Booty love

‘Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we’re looking the other way’

My favourite quote from a TV show (Coupling), not only is it hilarious but I could often relate.

For years, I hated my butt. Hated it with a passion. It was the enemy, it made me uncomfortable all the time. It attracted vile and overly touchy men to harass and grope me in nightclubs, men who thought they had the right (fuck off privilleged numpties) to touch me because emy butt somehow sent a ‘signal’ I wanted them to being so big, it was making my shape out of proportion- medium size chest, small waist, big hips and butt. And thanks to it, I couldn’t wear any trousers or jeans I liked-only leggings and the comments I’d get in them from people which ranged from ‘hey bootilicious’ (mainly again lechers in nightclubs, ‘ ‘yeah it is a bit big isn’t it’ and ‘I can’t believe you’ve got a butt that big!’

Other trousers and jeans never fit me correctly, save one pair of low rise jeans which were perfect and sadly sacrificed on the alter of age. Either they were too small and I’d try desperately to cram my ass in, or too big so that a belt (at least was needed) or they’d fall down almost over my hips. Even then they gaped at the back and front which made me even more self conscious.

I think everyone, everywhere, hates some part of their body- I truly do. For me, it was my butt. The enemy who flirted, misproportioned me and made me self conscious…

Or was it?

Wasn’t it those men whose attention was unwanted when they harassed my by slapping and being pretty damn dirty about it?

And the ‘well meaners’ who’d point out how tiny my waist was by pointing out I ‘had a fat ass’

And the retail industry, that never keeps consistant sizes and makes pretty much every woman uncomfortable?

And how about me, who believed it all, didn’t rise above it and hated a part of my figure that was never going to change?

I believe the first 3 did help edge me along and can really affect a person terribly but in my case ultimately I was responsible for believing it, for falling for the ‘perfect woman fantasy’ for the self hate towards what I believe now is a ‘mighty fine booty.’

Don’t get me wrong, when it’s bullying that’s making you hate yourself that’s a whole other story. It would be very very hard to anyone to rise above the malice and cowardice and ultimately big egoed small intelligence of the bullies cruelty. But for me it wasn’t bullying, not even close. Yet somehow I let it affect me.

I tried dieting at first and big time exercise but that period of self hate (as I like to call it) is mostly gone. I run a lot now and do more exercise then I ever did. I’m fitter and healthier and only getting more so as I train to run the 10K, but my butts none the smaller. In fact if anything, it’s bigger.

I couldn’t care less. My butt and are friend now (alcohol and hot curry nights notwithstanding). It’s taken a long while and I must admit there are days I could easily slip into self hate, but I’m working on remaining friends with my big, god damn fantabulous ass.

Now ironically, alongside finding this love, I get more positive comments, more envious ones sometimes. It reaffirms my belief that my butt…is perfects. For me.which only shows how much negative comments make me the other way, I still need to work on that. But they are enjoyable. Without the comments I’d still have that belief, but it’s nice to hear. And I wonder how much of it is down to my butt itself being complimented or the confidence I feel with my body.

As I said everyone hates something or has a love/hate relationship with one part at one time and often we are driven to a perfection we can’t/shouldn’t/don’t need to conform to-often badly. There’s nothing wrong with wanting improvement, as long as it’s not harmful or osessive and most of all so long as you love yourself; be you whatever size, whatever figure type, whatever age or sex…you’re on the right path. It’s easier said then done, I get it, I was there for 15 odd years and no matter what I say I can’t convince anyone to themselves any more then I could convince my 20 something self but I will say what I tried:

Look in the mirror and take your clothes off
Look for one thing you like or is at least ok
Look at how to focus on it more-it’s your asset
Look at what you hate without loathing and cringing, it’s part of you, regardless.
Look at ‘do you want to change it’? Can you change it without self destructing or harming yourself? Are you changing for you? Or because others say you are ‘wrong’ in being the way you are?
Can you work with your body to change it or promote your assets?
Think on every compliment you’ve ever been given, are you being too hard on yourself? While you’re hating your curves could someone secretly coverting them? Or vice versa? (chances are YES-the grass is always greener)

Take it a day at a time. As I said I am in tune with my butt mostly now but there are times I could easily slip back and hate or find myself trying. And there’s nothing harder then trying to find love when there’s only loathing but be realistic…it’s your body and you are hating on it, how likely is it going to cooperate with you trying to change it if there’s nothing positive? And remember that the whole ‘real women have curves’ and vice versa/other sayings philosophy is bullshit.

Anything that starts ‘real women’ can take a long walk of a tall short pier. We are real women and we’re whatever we damn well are: shape, size, age, sex, sexuality, race, religion, blood type…you got it, we are what we are and being more/less curvy, being more/less weight wise, being bigger/smaller chested, butted whatever…it’s us.

We are real women and we are what we are. No more, no less.

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Rape Rape? Wtf

I’m absolutely disgusted at some of the various newspaper readers’ comments in regards to the justice secretary’s words on rape and reform ideas. More so then at the justice secretary himself! Though i’ll be doing a separate post about that.

There’s one little gem in the Guardian, who has made him/herself judge and juror and goes on to give a verdict on what they believe constitutes rape. On every single example, a rape is only deemed a rape when ‘no’ is loudly given. If there’s no, or a quiet no, they call it as ‘not rape’ or ‘minor rape’. And they use the lovely term ‘rape rape’ because a lack on consent clearly has other names.

I’m absolutely furious. What gives this person the right to say ‘no means no, otherwise it’s not rape?’ I hope they are just ignorant and don’t live the way they talk. How would they like it if I knocked them out or intimidated them into keeping quiet, drugged them or suddenly just decided to beat the living shit out of them? Would it then be ‘minor assault’ or ‘not-assault’ despite the fact that I’ve committed the same crime? And that they are still a victim, regardless of circumstance?

Fucking idiot.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/may/19/editorial-kenneth-clarke-rape-sentencing

I get that rape debate gets a lot of people het up, which it rightly should but why do you get one of two sets of idiots? Idiot set 1 that believe all rape accusations, or most, are false and go on about it in every post regarding rape rather than making it a separate debate? Why not talk about the issue at hand reasonably? Likewise idiot set 2, that believe men can’t be raped and insist men are not also victims of crime such as rape and domestic abuse?

Some crimes are worse than others in terms of the medias ‘belief’ in it and in terms of trauma to the citim, of course someone being gangraped will get a higherprofile then an individual case but judging and saying ‘well she’s been raped by 6 men and she by only 1′ doesn’t mean the crime is any less serious for the one raped by one alone. The trauma to the victim may well be different, but that will change person to person circumstance to circumstance, however the crime of rape will still have been commited. It may just be in case A, there’s violence and assault to add to the prosecuting and in case B, the vctim may have been unconcious and so assault cannot be charged. Doesn’t mean the charge of rape is any the less.

Yes means yes, if you don’t have a loud, resounding, willingly given yes then whether you are male, female, young, old, straight, gay, rich, poor, guess what? You’re a rapist.*

*Please no pathetic derailing with whining over ‘but my partner wakes me up with surprise sex all the time and it’s not rape’ you have that understanding, then that’s great. But guess what? You’ve given consent. And not everyone would so don’t assume everyone is the same as you and would consent. You make an ass out of yourself.

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Dreams…

Dreaming can be a very odd sensation especially if you are like me and have vivid, very memorable dreams-and often more than one a night. It can also be very exhausting and very disconcerting or leave you uneasy afterwards. Sometimes, if you are lucky you wake up feeling satisfied, happy and even horny but sometimes the more negative emotions prevail.

Some people say it’s lucky if you dream, which it is in a way- I wouldn’t give up the entertainment factor especially when telling my mates. But when the dreams are more night terrors and fright you awake or have you upset and panicked, reaching for the phone because someone you have love has just died or been harmed-it’s not so lucky.

People say dreamers work things out I their heads, subconscious or conscious worries. This is true for many of my dreams though given the wackiness of others I can’t say it’s the same for all: vampires meet zombies meet Glee? Farting out eggs and babies…More crack then something playing on my mind.

The weirdest is knowing it’s a friend’s worry/query or question that’s driving your dream, despite you knowing their worry is unfounded.

And sometimes I’ve found you need a friend to help you analyse them. To know they aren’t real worries but what someone else has said to you sticking with you, and when said person comes back into your life the worries subconsciously return. Even if they are bullshit worries and the words said were more to manipulate then the truth. Sometimes then dreams can be a good thing because where you’ve locked that worry deep down, your dream brings it up and horrible as the dream is once it’s out there you can challenge it and fight it with the truth.

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That disliked saying: ‘no means no’

No means No- I really hate that saying, I really hate that people use it to describe rape and I really hate the now-possibility that children as young as 5 are going to be taught this lesson.

Before people- assuming I get any comments- start getting defensive and accusing me of something completely untrue I should clarify I few things.

Why do I hate it (no means no) so much?

Because it’s a false saying, one that lulls people into a sense of false security and only heightens the unpleasant so-called ‘grey area’ in rape. What I mean by that is that ‘no means no’ implies that unless no is said or shouted then no rape has taken place. It implies that even if unconscious, asleep or so high on drugs/drink you can barely move, that it’s not rape- all because you haven’t said that little word. It also implies that people can’t be bullied and coerced into sex with manipulation and threats and that again, that isn’t rape.

Not only does this set an awful example to drum into our kids but I truly believe it only adds to ‘victim blaming’ and ‘rape excusal.

At this point I would like to clarify (before people- if again comments) start getting defensive, of course I believe in regretted sex and false accusation. And I’m happy to blog on that some time, however this blog post is not looking into that side of things it’s looking into rape and the fact that ‘no means no’ is a bad lesson to learn.

What would be a better lesson?

‘Yes means yes’, that’s the better lesson. To get consent upfront, to make sure your partner is saying yes and is freely doing so- is giving consent without said yes being forced in any way. To respect each other and wait for that yes, however long it takes.

It’s not, your girlfriend/boyfriend (yes men can be raped and rape is not contained to those in heterosexual relationships) were asleep and you thought-without discussing/warning/talking about the idea and getting consent- surprise sex while they were asleep would be okay because that one little word ‘no’ was not said. The ‘yes’ needs to have been agreed in advance however light the conversation.

It’s not a teenage girl being pressured into sex by her boyfriend because he is embarrassed about the lack of it and uses words and breakup threats to manipulate her emotions and lead her into something she isn’t ready for, getting only reluctance and possibly no yes. As the TV show Waterloo Road nicely covered this, ‘It’s just the same as pushing her against the wall and just taking what *you* want’.

People can argue this til the day is blue saying about ‘well in my relationship we have an understanding’…great, so you’ve got consent, you’ve discussed it, YES HAS BEEN SAID. OR ‘well she should be strong enough to not do it unless she wants to’ in case of the second…sorry doesn’t work when teens are under immense pressure, socially and personally aka they are vulnerable. And when attitudes such as displayed by the boyfriend in Waterloo road are enabled by condoning and not using- unlike the show which did- the very real truth that it’s forcing, pressuring and as good a raping- then she (and may others like her who are being pressured by their partners) may never be strong enough, because they themselves don’t see it as wrong.

At least in Waterloo road when the point was made, the boyfriend understood, was aghast and hadn’t thought of it that way. Which is very true to a real reaction because some kids aren’t being taught this by parents or in school- which is why consent issues and ‘yes means yes’ should be taught in schools.

What age do you think they should be taught-5?

No that’s far too young, it will confuse them. However they need to be taught about ‘stranger danger’ and in an age applicable way they should be taught that if someone touches you in a certain way, hurts you or mistreats you-you should tell a trusted adult. Such as a parent, or if it’s a parent doing it- a teacher.

This message should be reinforced and when kids are first taught sex ed at age 9/10 then consent issues come into it, with the hope that by the time they are teens and under pressure they have the knowledge to deal with it. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. A lack of education to do with consent issues is just as dangerous-if not more- than that of a lack of contraceptive advice.

Personally, I feel kids should be taught and the teaching added to and enhanced while at school regarding consent, and regarding rape and abuse (the latter in later years). To teach our kids not to feel pressured, to teach them to know that someone may well be doing something wrong to them –abuse/neglect etc- we should give our kids the knowledge to have them help us help them.

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